Broken cookies...

Well, here I am again. Trying to make this work. I really need an outlet for all my thoughts and I'm actually going to give this a real shot this time. 

Things have been going. Just really stressed as of late. A "friend" owes me money, that he's owed for several weeks now, and now I fear that he won't pay. Mainly because he was supposed to drop it off yesterday and wouldn't you know - his cell phone is disconnected! So, now I don't know what to do. Ever since I stopped working, I haven't had much money and to be owed money - hurts. I'm tired of always trying to be there for other people, who wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire! But I'll get thru this one way or another. 

Next week I meet with a social security lawyer to hopefully keep moving forward with my appeal and hopefully get approved sooner then later! Because as much as I love not having to have any real financial burdens because I live in someone else's home, I want to have my own space. One never realizes how much they enjoy being able to walk around naked or not having to shower every day (when you don't plan to go outside or be seen by anyone else) or letting the dishes pile up. Plus, I want J to be under the same roof as me again. And that won't/can't happen while I don't have my own place. 

Last night was really special, went out on a date for the first time in a long time. I've been out with this person before, but J was with us. This time, it was just him and myself. I think we had a good time, the food was amazing and the conversation just seemed to keep flowing. I hope this turns into something... But I don't want to force it and I'm trying to play it cool right now and not text him first. Trying to give him a chance to reach out to me. I just hope he does. But one never knows with the other person. But I do need to keep the focus on myself and my health, as well as keeping everything with J in perspective. 

I've been trying to do better with my diet. I have drastically cut down on my ordering out. So, I've been cooking at home more, or going to the salad bar at the local grocer. And I have been watching portion sizes, example - I would make a family size box of velveeta shells and then eat the whole box at once, and I haven't been doing that. I might eat it all, but not at once or even on the same day. I have not been a saint, I will admit that I have faltered, but that is to be expected. I just that when I meet with the surgical staff next month - I haven't gained any weight. I would LOVE if I've lost some weight, which is the key thing for me to do be doing, but right now - I just don't want to have had gained. Because that would pretty much kill me. I want to prove that I have the self control to do what is asked/expected of me. I want to prove people wrong that I won't kill myself before J is able to graduate from high school. I plan to be around for a long ass time! 

Just wish I knew what made me allow myself to get to the size I am. I don't know when I originally gave up on giving a fuck?! I know I let myself go a bit my senior year of high school because I stopped exercising and then just let myself "go" while I was still dating my ex. And I just guess I was so depressed after I became a single parent and all the crap I had to go thru with shit head. And then when my dad died, I really gave up on caring. Because I had had just lost 50lbs when he died, and I just stopped giving a fuck and packed on so much extra weight. I just want to succeed! I know I'll never be Giselle, but I want to be a much healthier version of myself. And this surgery is what is going to be the kick in the ass and launching pad I need to get that way.

Well, I think I've ranted long enough, I'm running out of things to talk about. So, until next time!