Start of a New Journey...

Okay, so it's been a while. But whose really giving a fuck? I know I'm not. But I am starting another new journey. I had been trying to go thru a bariatric surgery program with a local hospital but I hit a lot of road blocks. A big one? The damn staff psychologist! She is a major bitch, and would hold a lot of small things against me. And that got very frustrating because I was trying to do what was needed, but just couldn't get into the right mind set. 

Though, now I have found another local hospital that has a good program and I'm already liking them so much better then the previous program. These people actually seem to genuinely care, and want what's best for me. Granted though, I've only met with them once and there's still more to come, so we will see what happens. I just want and really need to have this surgery. I have put it off for YEARS because I was being too stubborn but now I realize that I need it. Losing the amount of weight that I need to lose to be more healthy is just too much for me to do on my own. I wish I didn't have to go this route but I did this to myself and need to take the steps to undue it to myself. 

This journey is going to take some time and a lot of work, and I can only hope that I am up for the challenge. I need to figure out how to lose 20-30 lbs over the next 6 months or so and I'm scared. I won't lie, I truly am. I have never been very good at dropping weight, I can GAIN it like it's nobody's business. But I constantly find myself hungry, even after I've eaten a full meal. And if I try to go hide in my room or go to sleep - I still want to eat and will even lay in bed awake, dreaming of what food I want to have. And it sucks and isn't fair. I wish that I had better control over my stomach but I don't. And to be honest - I'm scared it'll be my true undoing. That I won't be able to drop the weight and keep it off. I just want to be healthy and prove everyone wrong that I'd end up killing myself before my father died or not live to see J graduate from high school. 

There is just so much shit going on in my life anymore that I never know what to do first. My health is failing, but I sabotage myself every step of the way, J is more out of control then ever but instead of people saying "lets work on this together" - I'm called a bad parent, probably the most annoying right now (mainly because I'm typing) is there's an infection on two of my fingers' nail beds. And it makes it very painful to be hitting the keys. 

Also, I finally have the time to see all the doctors that I need to see to make sure other aspects of my health are in good shape, and I get grief about constantly going to the doctors and how I need to "stop expecting my doctors to fix me and just do it myself". Which isn't fair because I have to have the help of my doctors because it's more complicated then what it looks like from the outside. I know that I've been kvetching for a while now, and I need to remember to be grateful for what I do have, but when one's entire life implodes - it's hard not to. 

I also no longer have my own place AND J is not sleeping in the same place as I am as well. And that's hard. I have spent the past 14 years of my life identifying as a mother and all of a sudden - that's been taken away from me. And I just don't know how to handle that and cope in a way other then eating myself to death. Which again works against what I need to be doing to be able to get my surgery. 

Just wish I knew what to do and how to go about doing it...

Until next time.