Well, I think the title says it all... I've been having a rough time as of late. And I can feel the walls closing in on me. The "joys" of having Bipolar II - which is when you have more down days, that can get even lower depending on the moment. I mean, I still get some manic days but not as often as someone with Bipolar I. Things have just seemed very bleak as of lately. Just having a hard time still adjusting to everything. I mean - yes, I know that I am in control of my life and am the one to make the changes needed in my life. But the problem is - it is just gets really hard to find the motivation most days. Example - I have to admit that I went a day longer then I would have liked between showers, and I've been in bed until 2 or 3pm every day. It's just not fun or easy.
J and I have been getting into a lot lately. He's not grateful for everything that I've done for him over the years. I'm not even allowed to take him to the first day of school this year. I haven't missed a first day - EVER! But it looks like I don't have a choice in the matter. His behaviorist talks about how we need to take the time to go and do things together. I can't even get him to commit to coming over to make me go on a walk. And yet - he constantly goes off about my weight. Yesterday I asked him to go with me to Kohls to exchange the sneakers I got for my birthday and it turned into a HUGE argument because he didn't want to go because he wouldn't be getting anything! Mind you - his birthday is on the 6th!
My diet has been completely shot to hell. I can't stop wanting to eat! I don't know what to do about it either. I meet with the surgical team this Friday, so maybe they'll have some tips for me?! I need to drop some of this weight before the surgeon will even think about allowing me to have my surgery. So, it's uber important to drop some poundage. I'm just really worried that I won't succeed and this surgeon will drop me too. And I can't handle that anymore. I try locking myself in my room in the evening to keep me away from the kitchen, but I have goldfish in my room because I'll get SO consumed by wanting to eat. And some goldfish tends to subside the urges. But it's still upsetting and frustrating for me!
Another thing that has been weighing on me is the fact that I have no dating life. I had had high hopes for the man I went out with a few weeks back, but now he's pretty much disappeared and won't text me back. I know he was busy these past two weekends, but I doubt it that he'll pick up the phone and reach out to me any time soon. But I also have to understand that I'm a hard person to love. Any man that would want to be with me, would either need to have his own prior children, be open to adopting or totally okay with not having biological children; as I've been strongly encouraged to NOT get pregnant again. The joys of blood thinners! And I also know that I come with a lot of baggage - I have a very strange living arrangement, a very strained "relationship" with J's father, my own family can only handle me in small amounts. Which really wouldn't make me easy to love. But it just hurts because I have SO MUCH love to give, but no one to give it to.
What sucks for me, with not having a car - I can't get close enough to my sisters' dog - Miss Piggy. I adopted Piggy for Annie MANY years ago, probably 2012 or 2013? And she is just amazing! She is a total nanny dog who thinks she's a 60lbs lap dog! Being able to just sit with her and rub her ears, scratch her belly and get her kisses ALWAYS make me feel better. But it can be hard to get near her... Piggy's lovability also comes into play with my sister as Piggy is a certified emotional support animal. But I can't bring her here and only get near her on a rare occasion. Makes me earn to get my own place (and car!) again so I can get my own dog... And I want to adopt a pitty/bully - which is what Piggy is. These dogs are just SO misunderstood and are the most loving creatures!
Well, I've spent the past 45 minutes trying to add a picture of Piggy to this post, and it just was not working! Which is also why my thumbnail picture is so old - I can't figure out how to make my computer let me change them! It's really quite annoying, but at least I finally got rid of the spinning color wheel without having to delete the post!
So, until next time - hopefully I'll be feeling better...?!
The title says it all - I got nothing. Things have been rather calm as of late. Just chugging along and trying not to create any major issues. J is unwillingly getting ready for the start of the new school year. He doesn't want to go back, especially since the first day also happens to be his birthday. I keep telling him he has to go, regardless of how many times he says he wants to stay home! But that's to be expected. I personally don't know what it's like to have to be at school on your birthday (joys of an August birthday), but I know I never wanted to work on mine!
I've been thoroughly enjoying Ulta's return policy though. I went so many YEARS without using any styling products and now I have hair that requires product. Granted, my stylist got some products in for me, but I also have been trial and error-ing it at Ulta. I had a bad experience the other day when I went to a location I've never been at before. Got into an argument with the associate that was trying to ring me out. I had ordered something a while back and wanted to return it. I had the shipping receipt and she kept saying that I would get the lowest rung price for it. I finally said that I've been shopping and returning items at Ulta longer then she has worked for the company and just to do it my way. She finally called her manager up and agreed that I was right. Fortunately - the girl just sulked away and the manager finished ringing out my order. Just annoys me when people try to tell me that I'm wrong. Oh well. It's not like I'm going to stop shopping with Ulta. Just no longer at that location.
I can't remember if last time I mentioned that I had finally hired a lawyer for my Social Security Disability claim. I know by having him it won't spend up the process of being assigned a judge, but it will help to have him when I finally GET a judge and have to go before them. I'm glad I waited as long as I did though. There would have had been no point to hire him back in January when I was first denied, he'd been siting around and doing nothing, but now that I'm closed to when I will be assigned a judge - it makes more sense. It also helps to have someone in my corner that knows when I need and how to go about doing it. Just gives a certain comfort level to everything.
I put my second set of Jamberry nails on last night. It was a bit easier then when I first did them. I'm hoping that these ones stay on a bit longer then the last set did. But fortunately when the first set started coming off - it was easy to get the rest off. Just had to gently pull them and they lifted off. But this is less expensive and MUCH less harmful to my natural nails then going to the nail salon and getting the gels put on. I miss having that time to go and get them done and how pretty they would be for 2+ weeks, but the last salon I was going to - RUINED my natural nails. Oh well. Not like I really have the money for them right now anyways.
I got my Ninja yesterday. Already made two smoothies with it! It works GREAT but OMFG is it LOUD! It was a bit better then morning then last night, but I also adjusted a few things: less ice, more water stuff. But I hope this helps and it'll keep me from just wanting to go out to the Y to get a smoothie - I can stay home and make a bigger one and NOT spend the $4 or $5 it'd cost there! Though, I do need to get back into the groove of going to the Y. I need to swim more and entertain injuring myself on the treadmills...
I was bummed about the Nike's my mom got me. Even though they're a size 12 wide - they are too narrow for my feet. So she suggested I switch a mens shoe. I can get the width I need easier that way. Once I get a chance - I'll head to Kohl's and pick out a new pair.
Right now I'm just hoping my other rings come back from my jeweler friends soon. I sent them 4 rings I have purchased from them over the years at Faire that had gotten too small for my sausage fingers. I just can't wait to start wearing them again! I have so much pretty jewelry, that it's almost a crime when I can't wear any of it! I'm still really pissed off that the other woman who lives in the house with me stole my most prized piece, but I talked to my ex father-in-law today and we agreed on a course of action. The jewelry store that I had the original piece made at is having another event in October or November and she needs to pay for me to get a new piece of comparable value. Seems only fair in my own thoughts. She apparently no longer has what she took, so she needs to replace it. I feel like having my diamond studs set into a ring and a necklace... But ask me again after I make her pay... Maybe I'll just get a stone at the store instead. Who knows?!
I'm still having trouble with the whole weight loss situation. I'm constantly hungry and it's really pissing me off! I want to do good and drop the weight that I need to, not only to make the surgeon happy, but myself and to prove that I can actually do what's needed to make the surgery successful. But if I'm constantly hungry it's going to make it extremely difficult and make me ultimately unsuccessful. And I don't know what to do. But I need to keep hope alive and just take everything one day at a time, and one meal at a time.
Well, apparently I did have SOMETHING to say tonight. HA! But I think I'm done ranting for right now. I will admit that I'm glad I picked this back up again. I still poke Tim to see if he wants to do a show with me, and he seems interested in doing so because we both think it'd be fun, and the past 3 years we've done shows for Pride48 weekend. It's just a case of buckling down and sorting out all the information. Like whose going to bounce and post, pay for the hosting and what sites to use. But we will see.
Until next time... Love you all!
Like the title says - it's been another one of those kind of days, y'know? I had to be moving and shaking a bit early today because I was finally able to go downtown into the city to meet with a new disability lawyer about my case. He seemed confident that we could win, but my "young" age and with my educational background - it could make things a bit more difficult. I just wish this would happen already. I mean - not having my own place, money or a car has taken a real toll on my ability to function. I tend to go a bit stir crazy when I stay cooped up in the house day in and day out. So, I will sometimes just "disappear" with my ex father-in-laws' car for a bit. Fortunately he doesn't seem to mind. I mean, I'm careful and put gas in the car and always ask if he needs anything. So it's cool for the most part but it's just tough on me emotionally.
J is causing more problems then ever! His father was blowing up my phone earlier, flipping out about me apparently having appointments on the weekends, what if he had plans for J on the weekend and keeping him "out so late". I had to, as usual, remind him that he can't go blowing up at me. That there's nothing wrong with asking, but not to take everything J says as gospel! I don't have any appointments this weekend and I'm allowed to take him out for dinner and hair cuts if I want to. It's not like I drove to The Shore with him, I was in the area and had him back to his place before 8pm. I'm just sick and tired of him constantly blowing up my phone about stuff, without even taking the time to calmly ask me questions or trying to think clearly about what J is saying to him. I mean, he expects me to never fully believe everything he says to me, but heaven forbid knuckle head grants me the same respect. It's just gotten really old and tiresome. All I know is - I need to figure out if the measly pension I get each month is taxable and file my 2016 taxes ASAP. Because I wouldn't put it past him to try to claim J on his own taxes. And that is NOT going to happen. He lived with me for half the year and I still take care of his expenses. I pay for his clothes, hair cuts, insurance, transportation, doctor visits and daily expenses. All he does is make sure he's back there and pretends to sleep. Not even like he makes sure that J takes his medication which he's court ordered to do so.
On a brighter note, last night was fun! I was able to get together with an old Weight Watchers girlfriend and we hung out at a local Starbucks for almost 2 hours last night. It was really nice to get out of the house and spend time with a person who I have things in common with and have real, adult conversations! I mean, I know I can talk to Sr. when I want, but it's not the same as a girlfriend with small kids of her own and be able to joke around and complain. It was really nice. And she does the Jamberry nail wraps and I finally broke down and got some. I have a set on now actually. I'm a bit bummed that when I was pealing an orange earlier tonight, the one wrap lifted a bit. But she said if I heat it up with my hair dryer and push it back down - it should behave. I'm not a fan that they don't cover all of my nails but it's only when I'm looking for perfection do I notice it. What is also nice, we're supposed to get together again tomorrow night. Which will be really cool. I just need to get out more and interact with other people of my age and common interests.
As far as the weight loss, which is the giant elephant in this blog post, is going. Though I am unsure of how well. I was at my PCP's office on Monday getting J his physical for school sports and weighed myself. According to that scale, I've gained a few pounds. Which doesn't make any sense. Though it was the day after my birthday, and my body was still full of all the salt that comes with Chinese food. So, I just need to get back on track and keep on trucking. I need to get thru this and drop the weight. If for no other reason - it'd be nice to drive my fils' car and not have the steering wheel digging into my stomach. Makes it a bit difficult to steer and all.
Mentioning my birthday, it was a really nice one this year. My mom paid for me to get my hair done (I got a PERM!!!!), she bought me a Ninja so I can make my own smoothies and not debate going to the YMCA just for one, a new pair of Nike's, Billy got me some bath bombs, and my one aunt (who loves herself some Amazon Prime!) sent me VEGAN and GLUTEN-FREE bombs! Never knew such a thing existed but they're really cool. And she also sent me a lovely new bath sheet/towel. Billy picked us up around 3pm, we dropped J off at my mother's house, went to Kohl's to get some socks and then went ALL the way downtown to pick up Grace. I happened to mention in the car to Billy if we had to go to this one restaurant which apparently translated to J telling mom that I didn't want to go at all. Which was KINDA true, but combine that with the fact that we didn't get back from getting Grace until 7pm - we just ordered Chinese. Mom didn't want to go out, it was also raining and pretty bad at points. And we had a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. Everyone else has been getting Cold Stone cakes, but NOTHING beats a DQ one in my book! It would have had been great if my other sister could have been there but she was ordered into work. So it wasn't like I could get mad at her. But I did text her and thanked her for running around to get my cake and some other things for me. Regardless, it was a nice day. Made the transition into my 35th year a bit easier. It's really nice when the family is able to get together and everything goes smoothly. I wanted to go see my dad but it had been raining for a while before Billy picked me up, so there was just no way. I didn't want to sit in the mud. I just have to make a point to go again soon. Haven't been there in a while... I still miss him dearly every day but the pain has eased, which is really nice.
This morning was also interesting. I was at that point where you're not fully asleep nor fully awake but still dreaming. And I was dreaming that I was sitting at my desk when I was at PennDot and was "helping" customers. It seemed SO real, it was eery. It happens some times, and it's just weird because it brings some interesting feelings back. I miss my work, I really loved my job - it was the management that I couldn't handle. I was hated and had my life made unbearable simply because I was "young", white and a female. But whatever, it's not like I'm going back there ANY time soon! Just need to keep moving forward.
Well! I think I've ranted long enough, and I need to see if I can steal the remote and watch myself some more Judge Judy! GOD! Do I LOVE that woman! I've learned a lot from watching her for so many years. Mainly, how to behave in a court room, and to get EVERYTHING in writing!
Until next time...
Okay, so I'm getting better at doing these blogs a little bit more regular now. Which is a plus, I guess. It's nice to have an outlet for the ravings that go on in my head that don't involve my having to podcast when I don't have the needed privacy to do so.
Today was a rough one for the books. J's behaviorist came today and it was just B-A-D! He seems hell bent to convince everyone that I hate his father (which is partly true but I do try to hide my hatred a touch...) and he won't let me live down mistakes I've made in the past. I'm still being "punished"for some issues we had in late 2014 and very early 2015. He doesn't understand that I made those mistakes, and have gone back to prove I won't let them happen again but he still gets mad at me. I'm supposed to forgive him for the things that he's done: the stealing, peeing all over the place, lying, etc - yet I can't be forgiven. He refuses to acknowledge it's a two way street. But she gave him an "assignment" to think about what it is he that wants from a mother. Hopefully maybe this will garnish some results. But I'm not holding out much hope.
I'm still working on the whole weight loss situation. I've been trying to limit my portions and not waddling downstairs in the middle of the night to eat more. I don't know if I've gained any results yet, but I'll know next month. All I can really do it try my hardest. I did order out the other night, but I only get my salad and didn't get the mozzarella sticks! Which doesn't seem like much but for me - that's HUGE! I want to go for walks, but it's been stiflingly hot outside. Like - low's in the 80's at night! If I was in a little better shape - I could probably get away with it but I'm not and I'm not going to make myself sick over it. Seems counterproductive to me...? The whole situation is just a waiting game, but I can't just sit on my ass and continue to do what I've been doing, otherwise I wouldn't need the surgery in the first bloody place!
I went on a date the other night, and as usual - nothing is coming from it. I just want to give up on dating altogether. It never works out for me, I try hard to play it cool and just enjoy myself in the moment. But the guys always want to be with someone else. I'm never good enough. Though I know I should look at it as they're not good enough for me, but I don't. But in the long run - it's his loss. I am a good woman and someone should be proud to call me his. It'll hopefully work out for me one of these days... It has to, I can't be destined to be alone this entire lifetime... Right?
Now, if I could only get my nails back into shape! I LOVE having the gel nails on, makes me feel pretty and nice. But unfortunately I was using a place in town and I got a nasty infection on almost all my nails, and now two of my cuticles are infected too. So, there's no getting my nails done for a while. Also, don't really have the money to be spending $50 a month to get them done anyways. So it's a bit of a blessing in disguise.
Well, I guess that's it for tonight. I'm in a mood for an orange. And maybe some goldfish... Yum!
Well, here I am again. Trying to make this work. I really need an outlet for all my thoughts and I'm actually going to give this a real shot this time.
Things have been going. Just really stressed as of late. A "friend" owes me money, that he's owed for several weeks now, and now I fear that he won't pay. Mainly because he was supposed to drop it off yesterday and wouldn't you know - his cell phone is disconnected! So, now I don't know what to do. Ever since I stopped working, I haven't had much money and to be owed money - hurts. I'm tired of always trying to be there for other people, who wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire! But I'll get thru this one way or another.
Next week I meet with a social security lawyer to hopefully keep moving forward with my appeal and hopefully get approved sooner then later! Because as much as I love not having to have any real financial burdens because I live in someone else's home, I want to have my own space. One never realizes how much they enjoy being able to walk around naked or not having to shower every day (when you don't plan to go outside or be seen by anyone else) or letting the dishes pile up. Plus, I want J to be under the same roof as me again. And that won't/can't happen while I don't have my own place.
Last night was really special, went out on a date for the first time in a long time. I've been out with this person before, but J was with us. This time, it was just him and myself. I think we had a good time, the food was amazing and the conversation just seemed to keep flowing. I hope this turns into something... But I don't want to force it and I'm trying to play it cool right now and not text him first. Trying to give him a chance to reach out to me. I just hope he does. But one never knows with the other person. But I do need to keep the focus on myself and my health, as well as keeping everything with J in perspective.
I've been trying to do better with my diet. I have drastically cut down on my ordering out. So, I've been cooking at home more, or going to the salad bar at the local grocer. And I have been watching portion sizes, example - I would make a family size box of velveeta shells and then eat the whole box at once, and I haven't been doing that. I might eat it all, but not at once or even on the same day. I have not been a saint, I will admit that I have faltered, but that is to be expected. I just that when I meet with the surgical staff next month - I haven't gained any weight. I would LOVE if I've lost some weight, which is the key thing for me to do be doing, but right now - I just don't want to have had gained. Because that would pretty much kill me. I want to prove that I have the self control to do what is asked/expected of me. I want to prove people wrong that I won't kill myself before J is able to graduate from high school. I plan to be around for a long ass time!
Just wish I knew what made me allow myself to get to the size I am. I don't know when I originally gave up on giving a fuck?! I know I let myself go a bit my senior year of high school because I stopped exercising and then just let myself "go" while I was still dating my ex. And I just guess I was so depressed after I became a single parent and all the crap I had to go thru with shit head. And then when my dad died, I really gave up on caring. Because I had had just lost 50lbs when he died, and I just stopped giving a fuck and packed on so much extra weight. I just want to succeed! I know I'll never be Giselle, but I want to be a much healthier version of myself. And this surgery is what is going to be the kick in the ass and launching pad I need to get that way.
Well, I think I've ranted long enough, I'm running out of things to talk about. So, until next time!
Okay, so it's been a while. But whose really giving a fuck? I know I'm not. But I am starting another new journey. I had been trying to go thru a bariatric surgery program with a local hospital but I hit a lot of road blocks. A big one? The damn staff psychologist! She is a major bitch, and would hold a lot of small things against me. And that got very frustrating because I was trying to do what was needed, but just couldn't get into the right mind set.
Though, now I have found another local hospital that has a good program and I'm already liking them so much better then the previous program. These people actually seem to genuinely care, and want what's best for me. Granted though, I've only met with them once and there's still more to come, so we will see what happens. I just want and really need to have this surgery. I have put it off for YEARS because I was being too stubborn but now I realize that I need it. Losing the amount of weight that I need to lose to be more healthy is just too much for me to do on my own. I wish I didn't have to go this route but I did this to myself and need to take the steps to undue it to myself.
This journey is going to take some time and a lot of work, and I can only hope that I am up for the challenge. I need to figure out how to lose 20-30 lbs over the next 6 months or so and I'm scared. I won't lie, I truly am. I have never been very good at dropping weight, I can GAIN it like it's nobody's business. But I constantly find myself hungry, even after I've eaten a full meal. And if I try to go hide in my room or go to sleep - I still want to eat and will even lay in bed awake, dreaming of what food I want to have. And it sucks and isn't fair. I wish that I had better control over my stomach but I don't. And to be honest - I'm scared it'll be my true undoing. That I won't be able to drop the weight and keep it off. I just want to be healthy and prove everyone wrong that I'd end up killing myself before my father died or not live to see J graduate from high school.
There is just so much shit going on in my life anymore that I never know what to do first. My health is failing, but I sabotage myself every step of the way, J is more out of control then ever but instead of people saying "lets work on this together" - I'm called a bad parent, probably the most annoying right now (mainly because I'm typing) is there's an infection on two of my fingers' nail beds. And it makes it very painful to be hitting the keys.
Also, I finally have the time to see all the doctors that I need to see to make sure other aspects of my health are in good shape, and I get grief about constantly going to the doctors and how I need to "stop expecting my doctors to fix me and just do it myself". Which isn't fair because I have to have the help of my doctors because it's more complicated then what it looks like from the outside. I know that I've been kvetching for a while now, and I need to remember to be grateful for what I do have, but when one's entire life implodes - it's hard not to.
I also no longer have my own place AND J is not sleeping in the same place as I am as well. And that's hard. I have spent the past 14 years of my life identifying as a mother and all of a sudden - that's been taken away from me. And I just don't know how to handle that and cope in a way other then eating myself to death. Which again works against what I need to be doing to be able to get my surgery.
Just wish I knew what to do and how to go about doing it...
Until next time.
Okay, I'll admit - it's been a while. I was hoping to do this a tad more often then I have been. But things happen, life happens and shit goes pear shaped. I have been trying to readjust to a life that doesn't involve me working at a job anymore and the lack of incoming funds because of that fact. Things have been hard, there is no denying it, but here I am, still surviving and moving forward. With any luck, my SSDI will get approved and I can have a steady source of funds coming in again.
Things with my son haven't gotten much easier, he's still causing me a lot of grieve, acting out and just plain old making my life hell. We have good days, and we definitely have our bad days. It's just hard, being a single woman, trying to raise a good and strong young man. But, no one ever said that my life choices were going to be easy. I knew they weren't, but I still made the choices that I have made. But I would be lying if I didn't say I would do it all over again. And again and again. I love my son, and I know (I hope!) that he loves me too. I just want him to listen more, but that's asking too much, because I'm not only a girl, but I'm "mom" - therefore my cooties level is increase tremendously!
On the brighter side of things - I have (some) hope again, for the first time in a long time. I am trying to get approved for having a gastric bypass. I wish I didn't need to go this route, I have seen the downside of having this surgery, especially over the long term. But at the same time, my weight has gotten so out of control, I have realized that I just can't do it on my own anymore. I'm struggling as it is to just not gain more weight. Sadly, my insurance company has the final say, but I'm hoping that by May or early June - I will be able to schedule it. It's going to be a lot for me to undertake and it will be a major struggle. I will be forced to address my emotions and find ways to deal with them that won't involve being able to dive head first into a pint of Ben & Jerry's at any point that I want to.
I have recently submitted a story to a friend's podcast to hopefully have it played on a future episode. I'm hoping he will play it, and that people will be able to connect with my story on some level. So, we shall see! Or hear in this case...
On the upside of things, I have a "date night" coming up on Tuesday. One of my best friends, who is also an exboyfriend and I are going to the movies on Tuesday. I'm probably making more out of it then I should be, but it's nice to know that a man wants to take me out in public. So, here's to hoping. I don't expect much, but I just want a chance to realize that I am still attractive to the opposite sex.
Until next time - enjoy your cookies and make sure your tiara is on straight and shining brightly!
