My good people - I missed my introduction!

If anyone whose actually reading this can name that movie - gets a free blow job! I kid, I kid! Or am I...?

Okay, so it's been a little bit since I was last on here. Sue me, it's a free blog! Unfortunately, it's not like I've been super busy, just going along with my life. Right now, I'm worried about the season change. See, I have Bipolar II, which is the one where you're depressed most of the time, with only periodical manic episodes. But what I also have is seasonal depression. Combine those with the depression of not living with J - I'll be happy to make it thru the winter!

A little bit over 2 weeks ago, I joined Weight Watchers again, and so far - I've lost -14.8lbs! I'm a bit scared because that's a lot to lose in 2 weeks, but if the scale either goes down again or even just stays the same - I'll be a VERY happy camper. Maybe I'll get in enough of a groove, that maybe I can back away from having the surgery... But I don't want to get a head of myself yet. Have to take everything in baby steps.

J has been acting out a lot as of late. His father keeps telling me that it's my fault that we're not getting along. What he doesn't realize - my relationship with J was perfectly fine PRIOR to J having to move in there. I mean, yes we did have our issues, but we also spent a lot of time together. It's just hard to effectively parenting a child that no longer lives under the same roof as you, and the child is living with a parent that has not been a true constant and the child fears that if he doesn't act accordingly - that parent won't love him anymore and might leave him. Which is no place for a child to be. And I have to be understanding of the complicated needs the J has right now.

I came to the conclusion tonight that I have a SERIOUS problem with having postage stamps! Like - I have 6 different sheets of stamps! Varying sizes, shapes and pretty details. And I was going to buy MORE today!!! Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on thoughts) I spent too much money at Walmart and I chose to pay a credit card bill instead. It's just scary. And tonights I found myself writing some cards to friends, and tomorrow I am sending one friend a note in what is possibly the smallest envelope EVER! Just because there was a stamp on it and I never returned the meal card to a cousin's wedding. Oh well! At least she didn't waste money and I put the stamp to good use!

Today with J was extra stressful. I was on my way to pick him up from school, I had even contacted the school to tell them to bring him to the front office and as I'm turning onto a road to head to the school - guess who I see walking on the other side of the road!? I was PISSED! And eventually I realized that he had gone to school this morning because his father dropped him off, he was apparently seen by his homeroom teacher and then he walked out and off of school property! Because I never had gotten an email from the school telling me that he wasn't there. So, no one knew that J actually, intentionally wasn't in school. Fortunately, proving that I am learning from all my decades in therapy and our behaviorist that comes once a week to meet with us, I never yelled or raised my voice. I just made him call his father and tell him. Which J was NOT thrilled about, but it needed to be done. Ultimately, when we were done running some errands, I took him back to his father and we had a conversation. I had taken J's phone yesterday because it took me over 2 hours to get him to come over to my place for our appointment with the behaviorist. I was supposed to keep it until tomorrow after I got home from a doctor's appointment, but I gave it back to him today. He apparently went digging around in his father's bedroom, and found his live-in girlfriends' old phone and was playing with it. And he lied about it, but his father found photo's of J on the phone. But what sucks is, his phone is the main and really only way I have right now, to discipline him. But when he doesn't have a phone - he gets his ass into even MORE trouble then he would have had been in, in the first place. It's annoying because my ex and I are both at our wit's end on what to do with him. And I sadly, don't see it changing any time soon. But we will have to wait and see, I guess.

I'm hungry. And I've used up all my points for today and don't want to delve any deeper into my extra weekly points because I know I used a bunch yesterday. I really need to go up to my bedroom and pretend to sleep, but that's not going to happen for at least a little bit longer. Gotta finish watching Judge Judy! I actually got some control over the remote tonight and got to watch 2 episodes of Speechless (TOTALLY must watch!), I'm on my second Judge Judy, and I got to watch Quantico (which you ALSO must watch!). It was nice to actually get some tv time in. Hopefully I can watch some more tomorrow... It's hard to fight over the DVR control. My ex brother in law likes to delete all my shows. He doesn't care that I don't get to watch much tv when Sr. is downstairs and has the remote, and Jr. comes down after I go up to watch his own shows. Hopefully, since I begged tonight - he'll stop doing it! Because I have to go back and figure out what it was he most decently deleted.

Well, I've ranted long enough and need to try to get some sleep, because tomorrow is free coffee day at Wawa, and I plan on getting at least 3 cups! Which means, I need to shower early in the morning... 

Until next time...

Round and Round We Go, Yet Again...

Well, I am back on the merry-go-round again. The Weight Watchers merry-go-round, that is. I joined again today. I know I'm trying to have the surgery and I understand that, but at the same time - I need MUCH more support then a monthly meeting with a nutritionist who talks down to me because I have issues with portion control. And I have had good results with Weight Watchers in the past. On two different occasions I've lost 50lbs. So here's to hoping.

Things have been just going on every other front. Still having a lot of problems trying to get along with J. He just wants to buck at even the idea of being near me. And that sucks, I'm starting to fear that once I get my own place again - he's not going to move back in with me... And I couldn't handle that. Only time will tell on that though, so I have to try to not think about it for some time.

I dunno, just don't feel like I have much to say tonight. Been a rough few days, and I just don't have much to say... So I think I'm going to end this here. I'll probably think of more to say later on, but I can't think of much right now. All I know is that I've joined Weight Watchers again and I have to make it work. I can't keep failing at life.

Until next time...

Blah, Blah Blah...

Well, I really didn't expect to be back QUITE so soon. But alas, you're stuck reading this! Well, technically no you're not... But you're still here anyways! 

I'm happy, I know I had mentioned a few posts ago how I was trying the Jamberry nails out? Yeah, didn't work so well for me, they kept pulling off within a day or so and not really sticking to my nails. I get a couple of bucks today and went back to my old favorite nail salon and got my gel nails put back on. I know, I know! Having the gel nails isn't the greatest thing in the world, not only for my nails but for my wallet. But I like having my nails done. Makes me feel pretty and nice. I just won't go back to the place in town here. Thus why I drove all the way to Norristown tonight to go back to my original place. They are a bit more expensive ($5 more and no free designs), but I never got an infection from this place. And they're really nice and speak fluent English.

For anyone who reads this that also follows me on Facebook - tonight I posted a "funny?" picture. I got a Ninja (I mention this?) for my birthday and made myself a fruit smoothie tonight. I keep misjudging how far a little bit of fruit goes and OMG! I had to pull out the HUGE beer mug tonight! Y'know - the one that's about a foot high? It was TOTALLY worth the brain freezes! Just need to get better at the actual blending. I had to keep turning it off, mushing the stuff around and blending again. It just wouldn't move the stuff from the top to the bottom. But I eventually got it to all work and had a great dessert!

I have also spent the past 45 minutes trying to explain Avengers: Revenge of Ultron to my father-in-law. It's going, just have to keep telling him the names of the different characters. I just love that I get to see Paul Bettany! I have been a big fan of his since A Knight's Tale! But that was mostly because of the Heath Ledger, lets be honest here! I'm hoping I can put Judge Judy back on soon, but I'm not holding out much hope. I mean, I will - just probably not in the next hour or so, I just need to keep him from putting something gory on the tv!

And for those who noticed - I was finally able to update my profile/thumbnail picture AND input a picture of Piggy and I in my last post! It was not easy to do, but I was able to manage to get it accomplished via my phone of all things!

I am worried though - I have a HARD time with bra's. My back is wide and the girls have their own zip code. The other year I had gotten a NASTY sore on my back bra line that got infected and was just a really bad mess. Like - I had to go the wound center and had to rely on J to take care of it because I couldn't reach it. And the sore has come back and it's purple. While I LOVE all things purple (except purple flavored shit) I highly dislike my skin being purple! And it's really hard to get the bra's from rolling up and tightening on this spot. I'm constantly adjusting them but they always go right back into place. So, I don't know what to do. Especially now that J isn't living with me, I don't know who I could get to help me care for it... Ugh.

And no blog of mine would be complete without mention of the whole weight loss journey. Which, as always, is still "going". I admit - I had Joe grab me some McDonald's this morning (only way I was getting my bacon/egg/cheese biscuits b/c I live in McMuffin country) and OMFG was it yummy! And I ordered from the pizza place tonight but didn't eat anything in between. I know it's not the best of idea's to skip meals, but when I have big calorie meals - I try not to eat much of else during the rest of the day. Fortunately though - while I still order from the pizza place on occasion - I don't eat much fast food. Don't really like eating in my fil's car and rarely am I a passenger in someone else's car. Medical transit won't stop for food. But Friday I go and meet with the doctor again, hopefully I'll have dropped at least a pound or so by then... Fingers crossed!

Right now - I really just need to REALLY go food shopping, get some actual food that I'll eat in the house so I'm not relying on the pizza place so much!

And today was J's birthday. And I wasn't "allowed" to see him. I honestly think his father is trying to make a power play to take him away from me for good. Which is NOT cool! It doesn't help that people constantly tell J that it was all my fault for why we had to move. He doesn't seem to realize how much it cost me to run that apartment each month and until my SSDI comes thru - there is not much of anything I can do. But just wait out the time until I get appointed a judge and get my judgement. I really wish it would be sooner than later, but there isn't anything I can do. I just want to have my own place and my own money again, and be with my son again. I truly miss having him around and seeing him every day. Granted, he wasn't spending much actual time with me, because he was always outside playing or in his room - he was at least near me. And I yearn for that again, being able to be the one he hugs good night and all.

Well, as always, I start these things without much thought in mind and always end up rambling on for quite a bit! So I'm going to call it a wrap and wish everyone a good night!

Until next time...

Where dreams go to die...

Well, I think the title says it all... I've been having a rough time as of late. And I can feel the walls closing in on me. The "joys" of having Bipolar II - which is when you have more down days, that can get even lower depending on the moment. I mean, I still get some manic days but not as often as someone with Bipolar I. Things have just seemed very bleak as of lately. Just having a hard time still adjusting to everything. I mean - yes, I know that I am in control of my life and am the one to make the changes needed in my life. But the problem is - it is just gets really hard to find the motivation most days. Example - I have to admit that I went a day longer then I would have liked between showers, and I've been in bed until 2 or 3pm every day. It's just not fun or easy.

J and I have been getting into a lot lately. He's not grateful for everything that I've done for him over the years. I'm not even allowed to take him to the first day of school this year. I haven't missed a first day - EVER! But it looks like I don't have a choice in the matter. His behaviorist talks about how we need to take the time to go and do things together. I can't even get him to commit to coming over to make me go on a walk. And yet - he constantly goes off about my weight. Yesterday I asked him to go with me to Kohls to exchange the sneakers I got for my birthday and it turned into a HUGE argument because he didn't want to go because he wouldn't be getting anything! Mind you - his birthday is on the 6th! 

My diet has been completely shot to hell. I can't stop wanting to eat! I don't know what to do about it either. I meet with the surgical team this Friday, so maybe they'll have some tips for me?! I need to drop some of this weight before the surgeon will even think about allowing me to have my surgery. So, it's uber important to drop some poundage. I'm just really worried that I won't succeed and this surgeon will drop me too. And I can't handle that anymore. I try locking myself in my room in the evening to keep me away from the kitchen, but I have goldfish in my room because I'll get SO consumed by wanting to eat. And some goldfish tends to subside the urges. But it's still upsetting and frustrating for me!

Another thing that has been weighing on me is the fact that I have no dating life. I had had high hopes for the man I went out with a few weeks back, but now he's pretty much disappeared and won't text me back. I know he was busy these past two weekends, but I doubt it that he'll pick up the phone and reach out to me any time soon. But I also have to understand that I'm a hard person to love. Any man that would want to be with me, would either need to have his own prior children, be open to adopting or totally okay with not having biological children; as I've been strongly encouraged to NOT get pregnant again. The joys of blood thinners! And I also know that I come with a lot of baggage - I have a very strange living arrangement, a very strained "relationship" with J's father, my own family can only handle me in small amounts. Which really wouldn't make me easy to love. But it just hurts because I have SO MUCH love to give, but no one to give it to. 

What sucks for me, with not having a car - I can't get close enough to my sisters' dog - Miss Piggy. I adopted Piggy for Annie MANY years ago, probably 2012 or 2013? And she is just amazing! She is a total nanny dog who thinks she's a 60lbs lap dog! Being able to just sit with her and rub her ears, scratch her belly and get her kisses ALWAYS make me feel better. But it can be hard to get near her... Piggy's lovability also comes into play with my sister as Piggy is a certified emotional support animal. But I can't bring her here and only get near her on a rare occasion. Makes me earn to get my own place (and car!) again so I can get my own dog... And I want to adopt a pitty/bully - which is what Piggy is. These dogs are just SO misunderstood and are the most loving creatures!

Well, I've spent the past 45 minutes trying to add a picture of Piggy to this post, and it just was not working! Which is also why my thumbnail picture is so old - I can't figure out how to make my computer let me change them! It's really quite annoying, but at least I finally got rid of the spinning color wheel without having to delete the post!

So, until next time - hopefully I'll be feeling better...?!