J and I have been getting into a lot lately. He's not grateful for everything that I've done for him over the years. I'm not even allowed to take him to the first day of school this year. I haven't missed a first day - EVER! But it looks like I don't have a choice in the matter. His behaviorist talks about how we need to take the time to go and do things together. I can't even get him to commit to coming over to make me go on a walk. And yet - he constantly goes off about my weight. Yesterday I asked him to go with me to Kohls to exchange the sneakers I got for my birthday and it turned into a HUGE argument because he didn't want to go because he wouldn't be getting anything! Mind you - his birthday is on the 6th!
My diet has been completely shot to hell. I can't stop wanting to eat! I don't know what to do about it either. I meet with the surgical team this Friday, so maybe they'll have some tips for me?! I need to drop some of this weight before the surgeon will even think about allowing me to have my surgery. So, it's uber important to drop some poundage. I'm just really worried that I won't succeed and this surgeon will drop me too. And I can't handle that anymore. I try locking myself in my room in the evening to keep me away from the kitchen, but I have goldfish in my room because I'll get SO consumed by wanting to eat. And some goldfish tends to subside the urges. But it's still upsetting and frustrating for me!
Another thing that has been weighing on me is the fact that I have no dating life. I had had high hopes for the man I went out with a few weeks back, but now he's pretty much disappeared and won't text me back. I know he was busy these past two weekends, but I doubt it that he'll pick up the phone and reach out to me any time soon. But I also have to understand that I'm a hard person to love. Any man that would want to be with me, would either need to have his own prior children, be open to adopting or totally okay with not having biological children; as I've been strongly encouraged to NOT get pregnant again. The joys of blood thinners! And I also know that I come with a lot of baggage - I have a very strange living arrangement, a very strained "relationship" with J's father, my own family can only handle me in small amounts. Which really wouldn't make me easy to love. But it just hurts because I have SO MUCH love to give, but no one to give it to.
What sucks for me, with not having a car - I can't get close enough to my sisters' dog - Miss Piggy. I adopted Piggy for Annie MANY years ago, probably 2012 or 2013? And she is just amazing! She is a total nanny dog who thinks she's a 60lbs lap dog! Being able to just sit with her and rub her ears, scratch her belly and get her kisses ALWAYS make me feel better. But it can be hard to get near her... Piggy's lovability also comes into play with my sister as Piggy is a certified emotional support animal. But I can't bring her here and only get near her on a rare occasion. Makes me earn to get my own place (and car!) again so I can get my own dog... And I want to adopt a pitty/bully - which is what Piggy is. These dogs are just SO misunderstood and are the most loving creatures!
Well, I've spent the past 45 minutes trying to add a picture of Piggy to this post, and it just was not working! Which is also why my thumbnail picture is so old - I can't figure out how to make my computer let me change them! It's really quite annoying, but at least I finally got rid of the spinning color wheel without having to delete the post!
So, until next time - hopefully I'll be feeling better...?!
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